Day 12

  • Can I say I’m halfway done?? 13 days left! Woo Hoo!
  • Today’s wait time was ZERO because Barbara saw me in the hallway and took me back! Our conversation today was centered on my coughing. She reassured me that if I could, it will be okay because they are constantly scanning me and adjusting the Cyberknife. Whew! Cuz I am a coughing mess!
  • On the table today, I thought a lot about what nonbelievers want in Jesus. In my FB stoning the other day, nobody argued with me and said “Jesus isn’t real” or “Jesus isn’t God” or even that Jesus wasn’t a possibility. Weird. What they did seem to say was that the Jesus they want is to be understanding and accepting. So, my next thought is how understanding and accepting do they want Him to be To understand and accept denial of His deity and His sacrifice (of course they want that, that’s why they don’t like my views on other belief systems to begin with). Do they want Him to accept and understand a murderer A rapist A child molester I mean, do these people not want God to be a God of justice And, if so, where do they want Him to confine His justice to Only to things that hurt them directly, but not things that hurt Him At what point do they want God to draw the line Of course, God offers a pardon for those sins to anybody who would have it – even to murderers and rapists and child molesters – but it is only through Christ, not through Him just “understanding and accepting.” Who could we all trust to say where the line should be drawn – who ought to be brought to justice and who ought to just be “understood and accepted” The only idea I can come up with is for God Himself to do this (thank Him that is the reality of how it goes). But, who do they all trust to agree upon to create these parameters?
  • Another thought I had is I don’t understand the acceptance of some parts of the Bible and denial of others. I mean, either we have to believe it is ALL true, or we have to say it is all rubbish. Otherwise, how do we know which to keep and which to throw out?
  • Finally, the most confusing thing to me is that Islam (the centre of the discussion) is just as adamant and unmoving in their standards for Paradise as a Christian is for Heaven. They believe one must not only be Muslim, but be a practicing Muslim whose good deeds outweigh the bad in order to go to Paradise. They are very clear that all others – including the bad fire people (can’t remember their name – Ji?) – will go to hell. So, why are people okay with Muslims having a clear immovable parameter, but Christians cannot I feel like this is a really simple observation, so surely I’m missing something. Except, I’m not. And, spiritually, I do understand the persecution of Truth. But, still, in the minds of my persecutors, I don’t understand how this exists: permission for one, but not the other. Especially when a main argument was that “whatever faith somebody wants to believe is okay.” Apparently not – I’m not allowed to believe Christ. So, those were my thoughts on the table…
  • After treatment, Jason and Barbara and I talked about how it would be possible (or impossible) to poison somebody with radiation, and how we would obtain radiation. We talked a lot about spies. It was fun!
  • While I was waiting for my car, the valet guys were calling patients by name and asking if they’d see them next week, etc. Whenever the patient would say no, not til January, they would say Merry Christmas and give them a hug! They are so neat! I felt compelled to go tell their boss guy how wonderful and kind and compassionate they are. He said thank you so much and that his team really knows that people don’t feel good and they hope they can be somewhat of a bright spot. Wow!
  • Drove across campus to go see Dr. Timmerman.
  • FIRST, I had to tell the guy I was there. Then, I saw the receptionist who is a believer. So, I told her that I had to tell her about what God did for me with our monetary gift for IVF from total strangers. She was so excited about God’s glory! It was wonderful! She came out and gave me a hug. AND, the guy next to her said that he just wanted to say that that is how God is – so surprising and wonderful. It was a really neat impromptu time of praising God. I love how meeting a believer really is like meeting a family member – our hearts just connect and sing!
  • I talked to a patient who was waiting there – an elderly lady. We talked about how beautiful the windows were and what a bright spot they were for that building. I think she liked the conversation.
  • THEN, I went downstairs to meet with Dr. T. I checked in with a guy who needed to take my vitals. He was so pleasant! I asked him about his Christmas plans and we talked about being a teacher. He was just so nice.
  • After that, I talked to the intern Dr. H – he answered most of my questions and also examined a growth on my scalp. He said it’s no big deal. He also likened my brain tumor to a mole – he said it’s actually the exact same thing. Mine is just problematic because of the location inside my skull that it’s at.
  • Dr. Timmerman came in next and was so apologetic that I had to wait for him (are you kidding It was like 10 minutes since I’d arrived at the building and they’d paged him to say I was there!). He also apologized that I had to drive to that building instead of him coming over to me. It wasn’t a business apology either – he genuinely seemed pained about it!
  • We talked about my eye and he said that yes, the radiation is disturbing stuff and my pain is probably coming from swollen eye muscles. Dr. McHenry will look at the back of my eye and check it out further. He said it may get worse before it gets better, but it will be fine.
  • Also got clarification that the blue light I’m seeing during radiation is really NOT a real blue light! What!! It IS the radiation stimulating my nerve and it makes me see the blue light! Whoa! The same thing goes for the weird smell I notice during treatment.
  • We talked about positrons and radiation burn off and stuff. I told him my uncle is a physicist and that we had talked about different things. Dr. Timmerman got REALLY excited and animated at this point. He wanted to talk about it forever, but I don’t really understand what he’s talking about after the first ten words.
  • Dr. Timmerman also told me 4 times that I look great. He said I just look like I’m doing so well and I do not look like one of his patients (how they normally look)
  • He asked about fatigue and I told him it is intermittent. He said he doesn’t really think it’s the radiation at all. He said he could radiate somebody’s big toe and they complain of radiation. He said he think’s that it’s the disruption of routine. He said again how much people love and crave routine. Mmmmm….excellent parenting affirmation! Note to self: make sure future babies are on a routine!
  • Then, I left!
  • I got to pray for some of the patients I saw in passing who looked pretty awful. I really wish I was brave enough to just walk up to them and say, “Can I pray with you?” I’m open to it, just a little scared. (this from the girl who hands out tracts at the airport while I wait for Nam) That’s why I love the Lord, though: He always gives us abundantly what we need to do His work.
  • On a different note, our dear friends came and decorated our Christmas tree for us. wow! I lOVE having our tree up, but it is so much work to decorate it and I just haven’t had the energy. (I have probably over 300 ornaments to be hung in a particular fashion.) They got it done and it is beautiful! That is such a joy to my heart. And it’s a joy to have these dear friends take care of us and meet us in what we need. Oh, and they are so funny. When we told our friends about the whole FB stoning, their response was to pump their fists in joy and say, “Yay! Jewels in Heaven!” They are so cute.
  • Oh, and I am STILL getting packages from all over the world from my precious sisters-in-sorrow. They lift my heart up so much with their thoughtfulness and taking the time to send me kind words and treasures. I certainly don’t deserve it and they shower me anyway. I love them so!

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