Two years ago this week, Nam and I were pregnant with our precious miracles, Isaac and Samuel. Two years ago this week, we experienced cruel pPROM and my waters broke way too early. We had a few days to say goodbye to our boys and to prepare for their births.

Two years ago this week, our sons were born and died.

What a horrible thing to write. What a horrible thing to experience. And it really is and really was.

If that were the end of the story, Nam and I would not be able to go on. We would be forever stuck in the despair, the muck, the mire of coming home to an empty house with an empty womb. We would harden our hearts, feed bitterness, and settle for crumbs.

Thank the Lord, their death is not the end of the story.

What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived?[a]?
the things God has prepared for those who love him?

That will be the end of the story an eternity not only with our sons, but with our God. And, I have to trust Him and those ahead of me that our suffering will be redeemed. God always redeems His children. No doubt He?s already redeemed Isaac and Samuel.

We love our sons; we miss them desperately. The current joy of being pregnant with our twin daughters now doesn?t do a thing to erase any of the storm we went through. But, we can and do recognise and praise God for what He?s done in just two short years through our sons passings:

  • Our marriage is strengthened. Without God?s faithfulness and care, we would have crumbled and walked away from each other. Oh, we probably wouldn?t have divorced, but we would have worked awful hard to unwind ourselves from any unity and simply become tolerable roommates. Instead, we have been melted together in the fire and forged stronger as one. Who knows where Nam stops and I start. And we?re glad for it.
  • A medical ministry has been formed that has already helped save many babies lives. In losing Isaac and Samuel, I was able to discover the silent killing condition called Cervical Insufficiency. God led me to find out about the options of medical intervention for that, including the cure of a TAC (transabdominal cerclage). Not only is TAC the reason that I can carry these precious girls now, but I?ve been able to share with women all over the world about it and watch their babies be born full term and healthy because of this! And, of course, I am in contact with hurting mamas and papas who?ve lost their little ones. I get to share love and gentleness with them.
  • Nam and I have made lifelong friends. We have formed deep connections not only with others like us, but with people whom if our paths ever crossed we probably would have moved right by them. Instead, we?ve been able to invest in meaningful friendships that touch every part of our lives.
  • Our faiths are strengthened. God says that trials do this to us: test us to show the purity of our faith. He has done that here. Our character has been shaped. ?Impurities have been sifted. Compassion, grace, gentleness, courage, and an unmovable stance for the Lord have grown.
  • Finally and perhaps the most impacting we know our Father more intimately. He chose to share with us the most vulnerable part of His heart: what it?s like to lose a son. That grief and hurt can?t be explained to anybody who hasn?t walked it. And, God gave us a picture of the path He chose to walk solely for a relationship with us. We?ve seen and felt how much our Father loves us through His sacrifice of Christ. We truly understand our value as simply being called His and nothing we do adds anything. God is always faithful and will always be faithful. We have nothing to fear ever the rest of our lives. We learned this at the high cost of Christ and the high cost of our sons. And we cling to it and stake our lives on it.

As we go through this week, we are surprised by the difficulty of remembering. Satan surely has not left us alone not that we are surprised by that and his attacks are becoming sneakier and more stealth. It?s hard to be the ones who remember every detail, hard to be the ones who mostly remember at all. It?s hard to see the lack of our sons impact on others whom we thought were forever touched?not a slight at our sons, but just the reality of sin and the hardness of others hearts. It?s hard to remember the ugly comments made to us by those close and feel the distance since created. For me, it?s mostly hard to remember the single tear falling from my husband?s face Thanksgiving morning as he crumpled under the weight of grief.

We?re incredibly thankful for the friends and family who have called and written to share that they are remembering with us. Thank you for not being afraid to face the hard things with us.

We praise God this week for comforting us and for highlighting joy after the storm and for providing rescue to our sons forever and ever. And we praise Him for keeping the story end open to something wonderful we cannot yet imagine.

6 thoughts on “To Be Continued…”

  • sarahnutter727 says :

    Beautifully expressed, Katie. I am remembering with you, grieving the boys with you, celebrating the girls with you. I pray you will know a special depth of God’s love this week.

  • Amber says :

    You and Nam are such amazing people. You have grown so much through the most difficult of times and are a testament to what a relationship with God can do. Here is to remembering your precious sons and looking forward to your beautiful daughters.

  • tina thomas says :

    I can relate to your loss. I just lost my twins 11weeks ago. My mfm dr said I would never be able to carry twins. He says the weight of two is to much for my uterus. I lost my mucus plug first with a closed cervix and the next day contractions started and dilated to a cm and a half then stopped until tuesday night and I delivered at 18 week’s. I am so lost. Please help me.

    1. beyondthisdesert says :

      Tina, oh, I’m heartbroken with you! Every single time I read of another loss, I am right back in 2010 losing my own twin sons.
      The good news is that you have EVERY REASON FOR HOPE! I’d love to talk with you further about this! Email me at!
      Seriously, at least a dozen times a day, I read of MFMs saying no to women in your situation…and that just doesn’t have to be the case! Education is key, and I can share that with you! I can also plug you into a fantastic community of support!

  • Dzulani says :

    Reading your story gave me some sort of home. I lost my twins boy/girl in december 2014. Preterm labour. I think it was triggered by a stich which was put in at 24 weeks. Started having contractions the next day. My heart Is broken so much. Im trying to find hope and lean on God to move on. Its hard I constantly think of the what if.

    Im happy to read a story on someone who put all their faith im God and found peace there. Your girls are beautiful. I hope one day to find such peace as well.

    1. beyondthisdesert says :

      Oh, Sweet Mama! God will be faithful! Cling to His truth! Submerge yourself in His word – there is no other healing bath like that!
      You have to consider the MEDICAL what-ifs, BUT only for the purpose of making future plans. You have to discipline yourself (and ask God to help!) to do it only in that context! Going through what-ifs of your decisions and chasing other ideas isn’t helpful. Didn’t you make the best decision you could with the information you had at the time? Of course you did! That means you made the right choice as their mama. Rest in that! Besides, ultimately, God allowed this for a purpose. Instead of focusing on what-ifs, focus on seeking God’s purpose in allowing this horribleness. Because as horrific as it is, He has an incredibly glorious reason to have allowed it. You HAVE to trust Him in that or you’ll be stuck in the muck and the mire.
      And you will ALWAYS remember your babies – even now four years later, my boys are still a daily part of my life. I think of them just as often as I do my little girls! And it’s a joy to have my little girls know about their brothers and look foward to Heaven with us to meet their brothers. Just this morning, Charlotte told me that Jesus is coming again to take us to Heaven and I asked her who will she see in Heaven and she told me “Samuel.” My heart rang!

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