Two years ago this week, Nam and I were pregnant with our precious miracles, Isaac and Samuel. Two years ago this week, we experienced cruel pPROM and my waters broke way too early. We had a few days to say goodbye to our boys and to prepare for their births.
Two years ago this week, our sons were born and died.
What a horrible thing to write. What a horrible thing to experience. And it really is and really was.
If that were the end of the story, Nam and I would not be able to go on. We would be forever stuck in the despair, the muck, the mire of coming home to an empty house with an empty womb. We would harden our hearts, feed bitterness, and settle for crumbs.
Thank the Lord, their death is not the end of the story.
What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”[a]—
the things God has prepared for those who love him—
That will be the end of the story – an eternity not only with our sons, but with our God. And, I have to trust Him and those ahead of me that our suffering will be redeemed. God always redeems His children. No doubt He’s already redeemed Isaac and Samuel.
We love our sons; we miss them desperately. The current joy of being pregnant with our twin daughters now doesn’t do a thing to erase any of the storm we went through. But, we can and do recognise and praise God for what He’s done in just two short years through our sons’ passings:
- Our marriage is strengthened. Without God’s faithfulness and care, we would have crumbled and walked away from each other. Oh, we probably wouldn’t have divorced, but we would have worked awful hard to unwind ourselves from any unity and simply become tolerable roommates. Instead, we have been melted together in the fire and forged stronger as one. Who knows where Nam stops and I start. And we’re glad for it.
- A medical ministry has been formed that has already helped save many babies’ lives. In losing Isaac and Samuel, I was able to discover the silent killing condition called Cervical Insufficiency. God led me to find out about the options of medical intervention for that, including the cure of a TAC (transabdominal cerclage). Not only is TAC the reason that I can carry these precious girls now, but I’ve been able to share with women all over the world about it and watch their babies be born full term and healthy because of this! And, of course, I am in contact with hurting mamas and papas who’ve lost their little ones. I get to share love and gentleness with them.
- Nam and I have made lifelong friends. We have formed deep connections not only with others like us, but with people whom – if our paths ever crossed – we probably would have moved right by them. Instead, we’ve been able to invest in meaningful friendships that touch every part of our lives.
- Our faiths are strengthened. God says that trials do this to us: test us to show the purity of our faith. He has done that here. Our character has been shaped. Impurities have been sifted. Compassion, grace, gentleness, courage, and an unmovable stance for the Lord have grown.
- Finally – and perhaps the most impacting – we know our Father more intimately. He chose to share with us the most vulnerable part of His heart: what it’s like to lose a son. That grief and hurt can’t be explained to anybody who hasn’t walked it. And, God gave us a picture of the path He chose to walk solely for a relationship with us. We’ve seen and felt how much our Father loves us through His sacrifice of Christ. We truly understand our value as simply being called His and nothing we do adds anything. God is always faithful and will always be faithful. We have nothing to fear ever the rest of our lives. We learned this at the high cost of Christ and the high cost of our sons. And we cling to it and stake our lives on it.
As we go through this week, we are surprised by the difficulty of remembering. Satan surely has not left us alone – not that we are surprised by that – and his attacks are becoming sneakier and more stealth. It’s hard to be the ones who remember every detail, hard to be the ones who mostly remember at all. It’s hard to see the lack of our sons’ impact on others whom we thought were forever touched…not a slight at our sons, but just the reality of sin and the hardness of others’ hearts. It’s hard to remember the ugly comments made to us by those close and feel the distance since created. For me, it’s mostly hard to remember the single tear falling from my husband’s face Thanksgiving morning as he crumpled under the weight of grief.
We’re incredibly thankful for the friends and family who have called and written to share that they are remembering with us. Thank you for not being afraid to face the hard things with us.
We praise God this week for comforting us and for highlighting joy after the storm and for providing rescue to our sons forever and ever. And we praise Him for keeping the story end open to something wonderful we cannot yet imagine.